Hi, my name is Jordan and I like to party.

Have you ever gone to a party and stopped trying to find a piece of tail or man meat for your 'late-night roll in the hay' as the kids say these days just to watch people--what they are wearing, whom they are with, and what they are doing? No? Well you should. If you can't, Acid helps. Regardless of whether you have or not, I think you can comprehend what I'm about to say and take me serious for a couple minutes.

In my time here at The University, I have experienced many things. As you would expect at any institution of higher learning, alcohol plays an important part in these activities and adventures, many times with surprising results. I rarely take time, however, to "stop and smell the roses," if I may, at these alcohol fueled events. But, this past weekend, I finally forced myself to take that step back and just 'people watch' for a couple hours. In the process I noticed some very...strange...occurences and recurrences that I thought I'd share with all of you. I arrived to this party around 10 o'clock with a can-do attitude and and 12-pack of PBR. I was set. At this time I was sporting my flat bill New-Era which covered my shaven head, both of which nicely accented my cheaply "blinged out" earlobes. Now that you've taken a moment to change panties, you are prepared to hear me out.

Since I wanted to start my night with a figurative bang (and end it with a literal one), I pounded a couple PBRs and immediately headed to the dance floor, or the 'orgy pit' as I so lovingly refer to it. On the real, have you ever watched a dance floor? Like, seriously, what....the...fuck..? It literally is a gang bang with more clothing and less discretion, which, coincidentally, is why I like it. Next time you're around one, just observe. You'll see a couple recurring characters pop up every time. First, sluts In case you aren't familiar with the slut, I will give you a quick indoctrination.

S.L.U.T.S. is an acronym crafted by French philosopher, sociologist, and theologian Claude Secsonie in an attempt to describe some unconventional "ladies of the night" to which he devoted years of study. He realized that these curious creatures could not simply be bought as other prostitutes but, in order to fornicate, one must take a slightly--a word I cannot emphasize enough--augmented approach. That meaning, they would not take cash directly, but would only take that cash in the form of meals, gifts, and expensive clothing the potential suitor wore. Basically, sluts. are whores that feel bad receiving a paycheck. Similarly to whores, however, sluts enjoy not-so-kosher methods of intercourse. I mean, you can't be surprised taking into consideration what sluts stands for: "She who Loves it Up The Shitter." Nope, not surprised at all. Secsonie also documented that when the slut was in the presence of Hollister polos, designer jeans, and overly applied cologne, something magical happened: she no longer needed reimbursement for sexual favors at all; she'd please her suitor just for saying the right things. "The right things?" you may ask. Secsonie found the right thing could involved a variety of topics, but the dialogue he found to be most effective involved treating the drunken slut as less than human, fitting if one were to study the flow of energy on the sexual food chain:
As you can see, the slut is firmly between the average human and quadrupedal animals. He deducted from empirical study of the sexual food chain that if one were to treat the slut as less than human, yet more human that the average farm animal, intercourse was almost a guarantee. Secsonie compared this to how one would treat to a well-trained dog: you obviously aren't going to rub it's nose in it own feces, but there's always a possibility, especially when it shits on your bed. In his later years, Secsonie looked back on his studies and concluded that sluts were integral to society in that they not only allowed the average male to have intercourse, but stimulated the economy by encouraging males to purchase copious amounts of hair gel, contraceptives, and overpriced clothing. Claude Secsonie died due to complications of Syphilis in 1934, age 38.

The next thing you'll notice at parties are the males who court these fellatio foundries. If getting laid was a competition, one can find a hierarchy in sexual triumphs depending on the approach the males take. From my experience and observation, less is always more, especially in attitude. The less respect you give, the more you'll get back. The less you care, the more you'll be cared about. The less you converse, the more you get talked to. The less attention you give the more you'll receive. It's all very simple. Say you were to approach the dance floor with a mission of poaching the almighty Poontang. As of late, I've employed some serious "less is more" ideology in every aspect of my game. My favorite opener goes something like this:

"Yo, [random friend]. You see this bitch? She fuckin' wants it."

One might assume it would end with a slap to the face and some blue balls, however, form my experience, it is the total opposite. Rather than exiting the scene, the slut becomes intrigued, most likely because she subconsciously assumes she isn't cared about. So, in an attempt to win over the male, she uses her natural assets to intrigue the male. Once she wins the approval, however, she will soon lose interest and move on, unless of course she was previously on a mission to have sex with the approacher, which is always a possibility, although quite rare. Thus, a male must continue not to show much interest and approval to the female. If the facade is kept, and the interactions are unpredictable, sexual contact is an astute possibility.

As a sum of the two aforementioned types of people always present at any party, one can deduct many things. The real idea is that no matter what the situation a party will break down as follows:

1.) Males, who want to have sex with all women.

2.) Females, who want to have sex with someone specific.

3.) Booze, which makes it all possible...and better.

Now, it is the male's goal to find the girl who would willing to partake, and if she is not avidly willing (a common occurrence), he will used tactics similar to the aforementioned. The females goal will involve find the one male to sexually interact with, and, if that turns to an impossibility, she will turn to other males.

What I'm saying is that it all boils down to sexual relations. It's a 50-50 split when it comes to parties. You may very well disagree with everything I just explained, but I challenge you to step back at the next party you're at and simply observe. You might just be surprised.

I mean, I'm just sayin',
Pelton