A Most Sincere Ablogogy

Sorry, guys. That last post I wrote was bullshit. There's no room for that emo nonsense in today's interweb. So, I thought I'd offer an apology by creating a normal post for you all to laugh at. But, since I'm lazy, I'm not writing shit; instead, I'll just pull out an old gem I wrote as a note on facebook. Enjoy. Oh, and I thought the Pinup Girls were a nice touch, too.

"M. Night Shyamalan Should Jump off a Cliff."

I've always been a big fan of the American cinema. Every once in a while, some assclown toolbag of a director/production company/writer comes along a drops a steaming pile of shit all over the screen and its loyal connoisseurs. Continuing this defecate analogy, if bad movies are considered bowel movements, the continually rancid pieces of filth Indian-American writer/director M. Night Shyamalan excretes can easily be considered Hollywood's post-Mexican meal shits. You know that real runny, diarrhea-y mess you get after a night of binging on hot wings and Natural Light that burns so bad you have to wipe the minute it hits the bowl? I think the medical community refers to that as “The Happening.” Fucking cock. The man gets fat checks for pieces of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if his next “work” was 90 minutes of him trying to figure out how to fuck his own ass.

I digress.

Pointblank, M. Night Shyamalan should be aborted. Furthermore, I feel like he should abort himself, and hopefully, if he does have testicles, with a razor blade. No, not a cut across the street, nor down the road, but across the jugular. He’s yet to prove his manhood, and I figure right before he kills himself is the perfect time. Nothing screams, “I am a cockswallower and I’m sorry for stealing a collective $50 and 6 hours of your life that could have been used on beer, porn, and cheap hookers” better than a self-decapitation. Either that or head butting the sidewalk, something I wanted to do as early as 5 minutes into “The Happening.” But my personal pain isn’t what’s important. This is about Shyamalan. The idea that “The Happening” was a symbolic allegory on mistreating the environment and an exaggerated warning on the earth no longer being suitable for life or our sustenance was the thought up by hemp wearing pussies. This is the same person that believes in astrology and thinks their ankle-length skirt and huge rack will distract you from the huge gaps in their teeth and unshaven armpits. In reality, it was just Shyamalan brainstorming for an hour and a half on how to kill himself like a real American hero. I hope he grows a pair and does it. Eat shit M. Night. You are a fucking asshole. I want my goddamned money back.

Making 2.0 the new 4.0,
Jordan Pelton