I'll give it to movies. They really know how to hold one's attention--at least in spurts--for a solid 2 hours. However, in the genre of horror, much is left to be desired. Namely, everything. But to be more specific, intelligence. I'm not going to waste your time with some overly analytical synopsis of any movies in the genre, nor am I going to analyze the genre itself. I'm just going to say something that would all save us a lot of time, money, labor, and frustration. There is one way for all problems in horror films to be solved.
Here it is...
Stop being retarded you horror film character fucks. When a dude is creeping on you from the minute you move into your new, turn of the century, most likely dilapidated house, leave. Yeah. Just get out, man. You wouldn't hang around very long ifyou thought a convicted rapist was roaming your house, so why would you be content with going about your daily routine with random shit popping out at you every time you open a shower curtain or close a medicine cabinet. The fucking thing's probably a murderer or a rapist itself, only this time it has supernatural powers. And it had to do something super-fucked up to become a trapped soul in the first place. Probably some crazy shit, too, like rape a cat while plotting a jewel heist, the money from which would fund a plane-ticket, a suitcase, toiletries, a roll of duct-tape, a knife, and a small bottle of lube as part of a master plan to rape all of the Republican congresswomen. Yeah, a fucking beastiality obsessed psycho rapist-murderer with supernatural powers formerly bent on raping members of Congress. And no, not Roofies. Supernatural powers. Like, it can pin you down with energy fields and skullfuck you with ectoplasm. Sounds fun, right? Like something you want to spend your Sunday afternoon reading a nice Mitch Albom novel around? Fuck no. Get the fuck out of the house, stop wasting my money, and eat shit. Oh, and how the fuck do all of these creepy ass houses and shit stay intact and livable? Aren't there agencies that shut that shit down after a while? Like, don't neighbors smell something weird when a house's walls are literally stuffed Stove-Top style with corpses? And wouldn't neighbors also say something when the big, gimpy dude who always rode to school on a bus that was a little bit shorter than the others kids' starts wearing skin masks around while performing rain-dances with a chainsaw? Fuck yes they would. And that's why horror films blow. They are stupid, impossible, and just a cyclical series of dramatic orchestra crescendos and quick movements. And, have you ever seen the "ectoplasm" in A Haunting in Connecticut? Nope. Doesn't happen. I think all that ectoplasm talk was just to make Stoners like me laugh when they talked about how sticky it was, how it came out of some dudes throat, and how it got all up in some bitches eyes and nose. That's why horror films suck; they can't be taken seriously. Period.
I mean, I'm just sayin',
Pelton
Ectoplasm:
A skullfucking from beyond.
