A Most Sincere Ablogogy

Sorry, guys. That last post I wrote was bullshit. There's no room for that emo nonsense in today's interweb. So, I thought I'd offer an apology by creating a normal post for you all to laugh at. But, since I'm lazy, I'm not writing shit; instead, I'll just pull out an old gem I wrote as a note on facebook. Enjoy. Oh, and I thought the Pinup Girls were a nice touch, too.

"M. Night Shyamalan Should Jump off a Cliff."

I've always been a big fan of the American cinema. Every once in a while, some assclown toolbag of a director/production company/writer comes along a drops a steaming pile of shit all over the screen and its loyal connoisseurs. Continuing this defecate analogy, if bad movies are considered bowel movements, the continually rancid pieces of filth Indian-American writer/director M. Night Shyamalan excretes can easily be considered Hollywood's post-Mexican meal shits. You know that real runny, diarrhea-y mess you get after a night of binging on hot wings and Natural Light that burns so bad you have to wipe the minute it hits the bowl? I think the medical community refers to that as “The Happening.” Fucking cock. The man gets fat checks for pieces of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if his next “work” was 90 minutes of him trying to figure out how to fuck his own ass.

I digress.

Pointblank, M. Night Shyamalan should be aborted. Furthermore, I feel like he should abort himself, and hopefully, if he does have testicles, with a razor blade. No, not a cut across the street, nor down the road, but across the jugular. He’s yet to prove his manhood, and I figure right before he kills himself is the perfect time. Nothing screams, “I am a cockswallower and I’m sorry for stealing a collective $50 and 6 hours of your life that could have been used on beer, porn, and cheap hookers” better than a self-decapitation. Either that or head butting the sidewalk, something I wanted to do as early as 5 minutes into “The Happening.” But my personal pain isn’t what’s important. This is about Shyamalan. The idea that “The Happening” was a symbolic allegory on mistreating the environment and an exaggerated warning on the earth no longer being suitable for life or our sustenance was the thought up by hemp wearing pussies. This is the same person that believes in astrology and thinks their ankle-length skirt and huge rack will distract you from the huge gaps in their teeth and unshaven armpits. In reality, it was just Shyamalan brainstorming for an hour and a half on how to kill himself like a real American hero. I hope he grows a pair and does it. Eat shit M. Night. You are a fucking asshole. I want my goddamned money back.

Making 2.0 the new 4.0,
Jordan Pelton

[Untitled]

So, my days here at ONU have been, for lack of a better term, interesting. From the first day I got on this campus to start the fabled "new chapter" in my life, it has been a booze fueled festival full of fun, friendship, and brotherhood. It's also been a time of disappointment, anger, and frustration, especially in this, my second year. Surely, the stresses of school and being in a position of responsibility in a fraternity have taken their tole on my psyche and ego, but that is nothing I haven't gotten used to. However, at the very root of things, the very core, the times that I have hated at this school have been caused by women.

Last year, I had very little to no run-ins with females of any variety. Needless too say, my year purely consisted of partying, studying, and enjoying my status as a drunk, freshman idiot. It was awesome. But this year, from the day I moved into the house a month before classes started, I have been plagued. I'm not going to go into specifics of any instances; instead, I'll just make an exhaustive list of what I've learned about the opposite sex:

1. All women are the same.

One hell of a list, I know. But, I believe it. It doesn't matter how much you think a girl is "different" or "special." They thrive of dishonesty (even when they say that is the most import thing to them in any relationship), deception (they go out of their way to make things convenient for them), and misleading people (I don't know why. Maybe its fun or something, I haven't tried it). I think it would be a good time to implement quote instilled rather recently from on of my brothers and friends: "Love is the misconception that one woman differs from another." Yeah, suck on that for a while. I hear it tastes pretty emo. Continuing on, I'd like to make a list of revelations I've had about myself in all of this:

1. I am an idiot. This is what it is. I have some horrible habits like convincing myself I like people more than I do and getting too interested in people that show any interest in me. I feel its really sad, and seemingly desperate which I don't think I am, but maybe.

2. I need to start listening to my friends. If this list was a ranking of importance, this should be number one. These guys I know here and back home are some of the best, most sincere people one could ever meet. In other words, I'd trust my life to these people without hesitation. In my past experiences--the ones that are leading me to write this post-- they have given me the following pieces of advice: "She sounds like a whore; you don't want nothing to do with that," "You definitely deserve better," and "This isn't going to go anywhere you want it to or think it will." They've given many more, but those are the one's that have stuck. In all instances, they've been right. This segues quite nicely into my next point.

3. Apparently, I don't learn from my mistakes. There have been at least 2 instances to which I'm referring in these posts, and the pieces of advice above happened on both occasions. I don't know what my problem is, but I always want to give whatever girl the benefit of the doubt, ignore my friends, and try to make things work/happen/succeed. They don't. They really never do. The fact it's happened twice leads me to believe its more than me being unlucky. It's got to be something more.

4. I can't trust myself. The fact I keeping disregarding the advice of friends and can never seem to learn from my mistakes leads me to conclude I should have no faith in my personal discretion. I'm also horrible at reading people, apparently. Shitty.

5. Trying to be a good person does not pay off. Nice guys really do finish last, at least in this day and age. Not much else I can say about that. Evidence is really irrefutable.

6. Getting shit on is as much a pastime for me as baseball is for America. Enough said.

7. Did I mention I'm an idiot? I think I did.

That's all I got on that. This post was really just me venting and not much more. Perhaps it has some slight entertainment value somewhere, or, maybe, it will give you all a little insight into my life. Where do I go from here? Who knows. Probably just try as hard I can to take my friends advice. The thing I'm most keen on right now is not trying to make things happen, but just to let them happen.

Yeah, that's sound good...

Making 2.0 the new 4.0,
Jordan Pelton